I have been quite silent as of late, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m a bit mad with myself over it, as I was reaching a good stride with regular posting. I have been going through a small crisis, you see, that has pulled me away from almost everything. Shortly before I posted my plea for Hurricane Harvey relief I found myself unemployed. At least in the conventional sense of losing my full time 9 to 5 (but actually 7 to 3) everyday job. It went a little bit like this…
Knock on my office door
Boss: Jill, can I speak with you for a moment.
Me: Of course. (motions to seat across from me)
Boss: I have some bad news, or perhaps its good news, I can’t quite be sure. We’ve come to a point where we need to hire someone to assist with estimating. *rambles about estimating* Well, anyway, we can’t really justify paying the salary for a full-time project manager on top of an estimator.
*awkward silence as I wait for him to continue*
Me: I can’t take a salary cut, if that is what you’re implying.
Boss: Oh no, we aren’t asking you to do that. It’s just, well, it seems…. they’ve found someone willing to take on the roles of both positions and accept less money than you are currently making. I’m so sorry but the decision has been made to let you go, even though you haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve been a great employee.
Me: Oh, okay then. Shall I finish out the day or week, or how are we playing this?
Boss: You can leave now if you’d like and you will be compensated for the remainder of the week. Are you alright?
Me: Of course, why wouldn’t I be alright? I understand how much money this move will save. Though perhaps you should tell them to hire a new bookkeeper as well, since Deb quit in April it seems to have gotten rolled into my job, and I sincerely doubt this new person will take on 3 jobs while undercharging you for their service.
Boss: *chuckling* I’m sorry to see you go, but know that I will be more than happy to provide stellar references wherever you end up.
Me: Well, I should hope so. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’d like to finish running this report and pack up my office.
That was it, though it was a bit more awkward as my boss had a strange visibly pained mask and kept going off on tangential small talk. The whole thing felt like a teenage breakup scene of “it’s not you, it’s me”. The thing is, I honestly was not upset at all that I had lost my job; I was even kind of relieved, which in turn made me feel guilty. Who the hell did I think I was to be relieved? I live in NYC, I have a family, and a mountain of bills; losing my job was supposed to stress me out, possibly even make me cry. It didn’t, though, instead I found myself walking out the door feeling freer than I have in a long, long time. I called Nick to tell him and asked him not to stress but he promised that he wasn’t worried at all, which maybe made me feel more justified in my relief.
Despite my relief I have been struggling somewhat as I try to figure out how I should move forward. It’s not that I was miserable with my job, but I wasn’t exactly happy either. It’s just that I invested a lot of time into my career and I am good at it but, if I’m being honest, I don’t really love it and I don’t think I ever did. I kind of fell into it and I enjoyed the salary associated with it, but it is never what I wanted to do with my life. Over the last two weeks, I have found myself wondering if I should switch gears altogether and follow my passion. Why jump back onto the career path that left me feeling incomplete and unchallenged?
My biggest problem is that I have too many passions and no one specific dream life. Fellow blogger Lyz from IWannaBeALady (go check her amazing page out now!) recently discussed being a multipotentialite and how it can be a unique struggle to have so many paths you want to follow in life. The first time that Lyz posted about it on her page I felt something stir inside of me, as if someone finally felt the way that did and could truly understand me. Furthermore, despite still being gainfully employed, her post inspired me to challenge myself more keenly, read more frequently, and most of all, refuse to accept that life falls in into a rut and that is just the way it is. No, there is so much in this life that I want and I plan chase it down with every breath I take. I want to write, I want to travel, I want to write about traveling, I want to sell used books, I want to blog full time, I want to design interior spaces, I want to paint my soul onto a canvas, I want to guide tours though my city, I want to spend too much time in museums, I want to bake beautiful and delicious treats…I want to experience every single moment of my life in the present, while exploring each and every thing that sets my soul on fire. I want to stop living a mundane life that, while busy, lacks much passion.
Writing is first up on my list. I am working my way into freelancing and plan to blog more frequently, although I may be moving to a self-hosted site soon. As for traveling, well, there is no better place to start than my own backyard. It’s easy to forget how amazing my city is when its ingrained into the daily hustle and bustle of my life, but maybe, just maybe, I can turn that around by making the city work for me. I’ve got so many great adventures planned and a list of places I have been dying to see, and with quite a bit of downtime in my near future I think it’s high time to shake off the cobwebs and push forward. There is a long road ahead of me dying to be explored.