This morning I woke up another year older. I am one year closer to 30 with almost none of my 30 before 30 list completed. The difference now is that I am only one year away from being 30, and suddenly I feel overwhelmed to fill this year with the many hopes I had for myself. As I look over the goals I set for myself 4 years ago I realize that quite a few of them have been accomplished, while others will not be realized this year. I think I’m okay with that, though, because I feel like this is a stage of life during which everyone begins to question.
For some reason 30 has become some magical age by which we are expected to fully have our shit together and our lives figured out. I would like to think that, for the most part, I do have my shit together – at least as much as anyone else. I have a routine that involves going to work, paying my bills, keeping my family fed, and trying to balance social obligations. Of course there are days where I would simply prefer to sleep in and close out the world, but I don’t because adulting is necessary, regardless of how much it can suck. But for all intents and purposes I think it is safe to assume that to the outside world I appear to be doing quite well, because there is some imaginary checklist that people use to evaluate the lives of other. Married, check; kid(s), check; Car, check; career, check; financial stability, check; … and so on. The problem is that just because you can complete that checklist doesn’t mean much in terms of how you feel about life. No matter how much we accomplish we always tend to think, “there should be more”, or just a simple, “I expected it to feel different.”
These feelings usually stem from the fact that our priorities are constantly being rearranged by life. The more you try to plan out the course of your life, the less likely that plan will work out. At least that’s how it seems from my experience. In reality, though, that it okay. Just because the main focus of life has shifted, doesn’t mean you should ever just forget about the things you wanted to do just for you. I spend a lot of time reminding myself of that since I’ve become a mom, because that is one of the biggest identity crises you can encounter.
I have come to realize that shifting priorities does not equal lost desires. There should be no deadline for when we pursue the things that bring us joy. So I will be doing some shifting and some updating to make my goals for this coming year more realistic. Of course I will still be maintaining my 30 before 30 list because I am list-obsessed and enjoy challenging myself and forcing myself out of the comfort zone. The difference is that I will not plague myself with anxiety over the list. I will not belittle myself or lie awake thinking of ways to complete tasks that do not fit into my current life.
For the tasks I have completed, I should get to writing about them. Writing is a thing I enjoy, and I would like to add it back into my rotation with frequency. I have just been so horrible about it as life has gotten busier, but now that I am back to in-office work, and have time to collect my thoughts, I will be back at it.
They say each year brings you some new wisdom. This year it’s “Let go, just live, and enjoy”, but it’s also “know yourself”, which is an inner journey I am on to rediscover and maintain my identity separate of mommy. You may notice some big changes around here, and I’m excited. It should be a fun year. 🙂