Gainful Employment

I make frequent mention of the fact that I hate my job but, the thing is it’s not the job I hate – it’s the people I work for. Here’s the thing about working there – you can never really be fully sure of what your job is. While I understand that small corporations and companies run a bit differently than large ones, That is no reason to change things every time you issue a pay check. I am in no way shape or form currently doing the job I was hired to do and in fact I have worked in any and every position where I was requested over the last two years. For a while I was a sales assistant, then I did accounting, a short stint in contracts followed by an even shorter stint in reception and finally to my current service and dispatch position. It’s been exhausting and while none of the positions I’ve held were particularly challenging or difficult it is aggravating to consistently be asked to change because the company is “working out kinks and trying to see what works.” I should specify here that EVERY employee has been cycled around in the same manner I have. Many employees don’t make it past a few months. As a matter of fact this workplace has the highest turnaround rate of any place I’ve ever witnessed. If it were not for the small fortune I am paying to get married I would have left a long time ago. As it stands I have all intentions of quitting shortly before the wedding. I may have considered sticking it out but denying me the time for my honeymoon, despite the fact that I’d banked it, was really the nail in the coffin. With two employees that have recently gone the way of the wind there had been a lot if overworked ranting amongst my coworkers as my superiors feel there is no need to replace them as they can disperse responsibilities to whomever they feel like. All this venting about the subpar circus we work for prompted the following blurb. I got to thinking about what a job ad for my replacement should look like if it were completely honest. I have by no means covered all points of ridiculousness, but it’s a pretty good feel of my everyday life. Enjoy.

Administrative Service Personnel Needed-

“Small business currently looking to hire an experienced dispatcher for our service department. We would prefer that you have experience both in the industry and in the specified field. The right person needs to be capable of autonomous thought who can both work and learn at a fast pace. This skill, while required, will be rendered useless because you will not be allowed to make any actual decisions on your own. Should you try to take any form of ownership of tasks you will be penalized regardless of how positive the results were. The person hired for this position with also be tasked with various reception and administrative responsibilities despite these things not being included in the original job description. Although there is a direct supervisor of this position you can anticipate having to answer to three other people with no knowledge or experience in the field; all of whom will expect something different from the same situation. Applicants for this job should have a tough skin as they will regularly be degraded, belittled and condescended by people with neither the intelligence or experience they have. Any attempt to question foolish requests will be met with a bullheaded, petty battle expected from only rebellious 16 year olds. We expect that all employees fully appreciate the wonderful opportunity we allow them by working here although they will always be treated as expendable and valueless. You will be expected to ignore or partake in misogynistic and racist behavior regularly. You will be expected to work nine hour days and often asked to take shortened or no lunch. You will also be expected to arrive 15 to 30 minutes early every day regardless of how far you live, you will also be expected to stay late with no advanced notice. Failure to do so will result in insults and demeaning from your superiors for the duration of your employment. At no time should you expect to know what is actually included in your job as there will be a shift in job description and responsibilities no less than every two weeks. Because we are a small company that claims we are looking to grown we will often ask for employee input and improvement suggestions that we will completely mock and then ignore. Insurance will be offered to new hires ninety days after start of employment. This insurance will cost you approximately one third of your biweekly pay and will not be accepted anywhere as it holds less value then Medicaid. You will be given 15 vacation days a year which you have to slowly accrue at a rate if 1.5 a month before you can use them. Any attempt to use vacation days will be scorned. These 15 vacation days will also double as your sick days and personal emergency days. Although no written policy on the matter exists we expect that you are clear on the fact that no more than five days may be taken consecutively regardless of circumstances. Failure to comply with this nonexistent policy will result in written censure and possible dismissal. Despite all of this you will be expected to smile continuously, never question our shoddy procedures, and always act as though we are doing you a massive favor by paying you to fulfill your responsibilities. If you are willing to give up your dignity and quality of life for this position than please forward your resume. You can include salary requirements if you desire however please note that they will be ignored and you will not be compensated for experience or education. A salary will be issued to you that will barely allow for your survival anywhere but especially here in the most expensive city in the country. “

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