I should be researching florists right now, but WordPress is far more interesting. Why the sense of obligation and homework, you ask? Well because I am terrible at being a bride, that is why. I want to say that I am disinterested, but that isn’t really it. I love Nick. I love him more than I ever thought I could love any person. I can’t wait to officiate that love in front of my friends and family. And trust me I love a good party. But really there are so many details that go into a wedding – this is not what I wanted. I’d have preferred something more simple, less opulence and fluff. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw – this wedding is becoming bigger than me, bigger than us.
Every single time I settle down and decide to focus on wedding details, I find that I immediately become overwhelmed and want to cry. I feel as though I have so much work and so little time to do it. Yes, my wedding is still 13 months away, but I work ungodly hours and I have to factor in the 1 1/2 hour commute each way to work. So there goes 14 hours of my day. Leaving me no time to do anything Monday – Friday, even if anyone were open late, which they never are. So I have the weekends, and that’s it. That leaves me approximately 112 days to organize, plan and finalize the biggest party I will ever have in my life. It hardly seems fair. Oh and most vendors are closed or close early on Sunday… Isn’t that awesome. I also have to factor in that I am almost always busy on the weekends since I have no time during the week to run errands, catch up with friends, or go away. So I am slowly cutting time off of the 112 days. I think of all the tasks I have yet to accomplish and I huff out a great big “Fuck it”. I find myself caring less and less about which vendors we use and which options we chose. I suppose what I have become is apathetic, not disinterested.
A few weeks ago when I had the lovely Ginger over for dinner, we discussed all of this. She could sense my frustration at how I had lost control of my own big day. The Type – A, overly organized, psychotic perfectionist in me is dying over the entire ordeal. I started out with the best of intentions. I swear, I did. There were inspirations boards, and binders, lists and spreadsheets, and color coordinated highlighters and tabs. However, I find I can barely keep track of my own wedding party at this rate, and I am not entirely sure what happened to make me this way. Ginger suggested a studying approach she used for the Bar Exam as a way to better organize my thoughts. She said to first organize everything into 3 main categories – Important, Less Important, and Not Important but Nice to Have. From there devise subcategories, i.e. centerpieces, flowers, etc and the put each detail into one of the subcategories. From there she said to take each task that is left an assign myself one major project to work on every month. And trust me, I have been trying to do just that. I sat down the next day and focused on the Important stuff, then I assigned each month a task. October was flowers. I have not done a single flower related thing yet. It doesn’t help that this month is an incredibly busy one, and I am certain that the next day I have free time is October 27th. No exaggeration. How am I supposed to accomplish anything in those parameters??
Nick suggested that I work on wedding details while I am
hanging out with Satan at work. On my breaks, or during periods (like now) when I simply give up on accomplishing work and do nothing productive. I thought about doing some research, i really did, but as i mentioned before – WordPress is more interesting. The way I see it is this wedding is going to happen regardless of how much effort I do or don’t put into it. At the end of the day I need to let go and just let things be. I just need to be happy that I am marrying my best friend in the entire world. Seems simple enough but why can’t I do it? Why must I stress endlessly until I exhaust myself and stop caring altogether? Because I just want everything to be up to my unrealistic expectations! That’s why!!! And my grandmother was kind enough to remind her insanely perfectionist grand-daughter that no matter how much I try to prevent it, something will always go wrong. Thanks Nan…
I’m not sure how I’ve gotten from over-enthused, pinterest – addicted, starstruck in love to cynically apathetic and nonchalant, but it happened very fast. I’m starting to thing I need a vacation from wedding planning… and from life in general… Too bad I used all this years vacation days and have to save the rest form my honeymoon… Dammit!