And then I Spontaneously Combusted…

I didn’t write last week, which upsets me since I promised myself that I would post, at a minimum, once a week.  Really though, last week was a nightmare.  Each day of work was more of a nightmare than the day before.  And you would think that with the work week only being 4 days long that it would be easier, but no, it was worse.  I know I’ve mentioned volunteering a few times, but my day job is in an office.  I hate it. The only window I have looks out onto the cubicle of the World’s most annoying salesman and I often have to keep my door closed just to hear myself think.

I sit near this guy, except with less sanity

Because my company is on the smaller side, it isn’t strange to find one employee with a wide range of tasks and responsibilities.  For instance, I started here in the Contracts Department, where I had the ability to show my strong work ethic and fast paced productivity.  This led to me receiving a promotion my boss referred to as Customer Service and Support Management.  I feel title actually has no relation to what I do everyday.  I still deal with Contract review, and I often diffuse situations with irate Clients (I guess that’s where the title comes in). However I have somehow become responsible for Accounts Receivable & Collections, All Service and relations on our “Go Green – Water” campaign, plus I am the sometimes receptionist, and often I find myself dispatching, rerouting and reconciling for the Service Department.  When I fill out a PTO request I literally leave the job title section blank.  So that’s just a little back story.

Anyway, I spent all of last week speaking to deadbeats who couldn’t pay their bills, but also couldn’t understand the threat of legal action or contract termination.  I had one major engineering firm bounce a $400 check and get mad at me for it – Seriously though, you’re a lead engineer on some of the more prestigious building projects in Manhattan. How is it even possible that you can bounce a $400 fucking check?!?!?!  So that agitation in your voice that worries if I am judging, rest assured – I am!  I had one baboon finally respond to my hundredth email with a simple “I will get you some money this month” – Yeah, add that one to your list of things to tell Con Edison next month.  I was also yelled at after informing a customer that their Maintenance Agreement had been cancelled due to non-payment on the account – since February.  He proceeded to scream at me about how if he doesn’t agree with the amount of something charged than he shouldn’t have to pay it.  Bro, you bought an item, were charged for it, and have not since paid. After countless emails and phone calls how could you have not seen this coming.  Everyday convinces me a little more that humanity is fucked.  On top of all the ridiculous customer I had to contend with inane inner office emails, from the world’s stupidest and laziest boss.  All while he was trying to convince me that I should move to the Long Island office where I would be a “happier version of me” – despite the fact that it would cost me an extra $600 and 80 hours a month!!!  That’s another 2 work weeks, with no mention of a pay raise, mind you.  I don’t know about you guys but I actually enjoy sleep and being home and spending time with my fiancee.  Needless to say I won that small corporate war. By Friday I felt as though I had worked 2 full weeks since the last weekend, and as I had to stay late it seemed like there was no end in sight,

This is when BFF Ralphie text me to ask if I was still at work.  We have been friends for approximately a million years and he is incapable of text messaging in complete English sentences.  He drives a bus for a living and his wife rarely lets him out of the house, so he takes his friend-time when he can get it.

Ralphie – 1828 out of Penn, if in city come keep me company, I drive you home

Me- Yup, still stuck at work. I’ll leave by then and bus it with you. bring pizza

Ralphie – No eating on bus 😛

Me – Don’t think you’re safe from my murdering spree. Bring fucking pizza and no one gets hurt. Otherwise this will be like Speed, but without Keanu to save you.  Also how long does ride take, need to update Nick that I will be subject to Manhattan traffic

Ralphie – Usually an hour. Jewish holiday, should be on time.

Me – Okay, see you soon.

Ralphie – Yay friends

Guilty as charged

Guilty as charged

He did bring me pizza, extra cheese, pepperoni.  This is why we are friends.  That and we have shared pretty much every detail of our lives for 20 years, so really if it ain’t broke why fix it.  Anyway this is how my weekend started.  The bus took way longer than an hour, but it was fine since I was breaking the “Don’t talk the bus driver while bus is in motion” rule and we chatted about a plethora of things.  I stood the entire time and I was physically exhausted just from being alive after the week from hell. The drive home from his depot was super quick and I walked in to Nick watching some terrible movie.  I ate, showered and collapsed into bed, praying that the rest of my weekend would in no way reflect my week.

Boy was I wrong.  Nick and I decided to go out and visit some wineries on Saturday, but he got lost and when we arrived they were closed.  We traveled the 2 hours home in silence as I was aggravated at life and still strangely tired.  After arguing for no apparent reason, we laid in bed at 630 pm trying to plan out the best way to salvage our night.  My solution was obviously food.  I was dying for some decent Spanish food and he happily obliged.  We drove down to Park Slope and actually found parking on the block of the restaurant – Score!!  Now, there are certain things about Nick that drive me insane and want to full on Homer Simpson choke the living shit out of him.  One of those things is his reluctance to try new foods, unless I personally make them for him.  I actually laid down the law that he could not, under any circumstances, get Chicken and Rice or emapandas for dinner.  I feed this man every night, so trust me when I say that he would have thoroughly enjoyed 90% of what was on the menu and outside his comfort zone.  Is it so much to ask that I want a cultured life sometimes – I want him to enjoy certain things with me and broaden his taste palette. We ended up sharing some orgasmically delicious plantain chip nachos and for dinner I had pernil and he has seared skirt steak. I told him that was cheating my rule but I let it slide, since the steak was delicious and perfectly cooked.  From there, since we were in Brooklyn already, we stopped by his cousin’s house to say hello.  Almost completely forgetting my plans with Tina, I realized the time when she text me.

Tina- Still on for tonight?

Me- Shit, yes. Still in BK, sorry.  Will be home soon.

Tina – That’s fine, I’m meeting the boys at a street fair – stop by.

Me – Absolutely – save me zeppoles

I told Nick we needed to head out soon and he huffed a little, but not wanting to create any waves he agreed.  Now in case you kids didn’t notice – I am obsessed with food.  Therefore I am obsessed with Street Fairs and Feasts of any sort – which as far as I can tell is an almost strictly Italian tradition.  Us Italians will use any reason whatsoever to eat and force others to eat – it’s a treasured past-time. He complained a little about how much dinner we ate, but I kindly told him to man – the – fuck – up since there is always room for zeppoles.  It took us longer than normal to get back to Queens and as we were approaching our destination Tina text me to tell me they ended up going to a bar nearby.  As we pulled up I was super disappointed for 2 reasons. The first reason being the bar had no zeppoles and Tina had not, in fact, saved me any.  The second reason I was disappointed was much more logical – the bar looked like the kind of place that the cast of Law & Order: SVU was about to march into to stop a rape happening in the bathroom.

It made this place look like a dream…

Nick and I sat in the car, exchanging looks, extremely hesitant to go in.  Unfortunately Tina spotted us and came up to the car.  After a long debate, she convinced us to come in, even briefly, and say hello.  After walking in and saying hello to our 5 friends, I couldn’t help but notice that there was only ONE other person in the entire bar.  Nick went to the bathroom, against his better judgement.  When he came out we were all outside smoking, Baldy (the one random) included.  Nick came outside with  a disturbed look on his face.

Nick – Oh. My. God.

Me – Did you find the dead hooker that goes with this place?

Nick – Um, no. The bathroom smells like Central Booking, and there is shit on the walls.

Grizzly (Tina’s beau) – That is definitely worse than a dead hooker.

We went back in, ordered a round and tried to have a decent time.  Baldy offered us cocaine, pot, and prescription pills all in a ten minute period and then went outside to yell at the Asian deli owner for eating cats.  After finishing our round we decided this place really wasn’t for us.  Nick and I decided to head home and not try our luck any more.  We played a few hands of Uno, just because, and then happily went to sleep.  We had high hopes for Sunday, since as you can tell we are foolishly optimistic.  Our romantic Sunday plans were  immediately put to rest by the fact that our shower broke bright and early in the morning.  After getting out and turning off the water, the hot water continued to run. Awesome.  So another day was spent in disappointment.

I just wanted to be clean before we went out

I ran to do laundry, pick up food and made a nice relaxing dinner at home for just the two of us.  In retrospect, the weekend was very funny, because all disastrous things lead to wonderful stories.  Next weekend we are supposed to go to the Renaissance Fair upstate.  Hopefully we can manage to pull that off successfully.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s