The List

Nick and I play this sadistic game where we like to repeatedly remind each other how old we’re getting, based on a random nostalgic throwback. We’ll go back and forth with things and places from earlier in our lives, making a joke out of the fact that we are both completely alarmed by the fact that we are now adults and a quarter of a lifetime has passed us by.

So we play what I like to call the Retro Name Game.  For example I will say “Maybe tonight we can watch that movie you had me tape last week, you can queue up the VCR while I’m in the shower.” His usually rebuttal with something like “If you keep making me feel old, I am totally going to block you from my AOL chat list.”  Then we exchange nervous laughter that is code for – “Fuck we’re aging, make it stop”

Yeah, delete me, as soon as we have a land line for you to dial up with…

The fact of the matter is we really aren’t that old, but I have certainly realized how much things change and happen during a lifetime.  I mean, again, after only a quarter of one we’re already struck with enough reminiscence to make us cry and yearn for a simpler time.  If I feel like this now, imagine how I’ll feel at 75… No scratch that, I don’t want to imagine that.

Anyway, the point of my post is that I feel like I have fit a decent amount of life into my 25 years.  There has been heartbreak, love, loss, joy, death, parties, trouble, responsibility, and engagement to name a few.  Still at least once a week I have what I like to call a “Quarter-Life Crisis”.  This is when I look at my life and go “HOLY SHIT!!! What am I doing!?!?!?”  I think back on a teenage version of myself and remember how differently she thought 25 would be.  I thought I would be a world traveler with good career I was happy with and apartment I love.  I thought I’d have actually finished college, and have at least started writing a book. Now I have heeded enough advice and lived enough life to know that life has absolutely no regard for your plans, but I still just expected more by now. Oh well, at least I landed the man I love, and a job that pays well which slightly makes up for the fact that I hate it.

This is what life says to all my careful planning

The reality of age and accomplishment hit me very hard this past weekend.  After gorging myself on zeppoles and sausage and peppers at the Feast of Santa Rosalia my friends and I returned to my house where we half ass played trivia and shot the shit.  Somehow it came up stopping me dead, and I don’t know if it was the game or the conversation that led us there – the dreaded question; Where do you see you yourself at 30? 40?  At first I laughed and retorted with” Nobody has time for that, ask me again in 5 years and 15 years when i’m there”  The words literally choked me as they marched out of my mouth. 5 years? 15 years? When the fuck did these ages start feeling so close? And what in God’s name have I been doing that I am so far behind where I wanted to be.  I had to pull my shell-shocked mind back to reality where I saw Tink’s also shocked expression.

Tink: “Are you really going to be 40 in 15 years?”
Me: “Apparently, but you only have 16 1/2 so can it”
Nick: “I feel dizzy.”

And there you have it. 15 years no longer sounds like a long period of time, which means that I must have at some point allowed myself to become an adult. I suppose it had to happen eventually but I really was trying to avoid that.

I thank J.M. Barrie for ruining my ability to be an adult

Now a few years ago, I jumped on the bandwagon and wrote out a bucket list.  I have actually been able to cross off more than a few things on there, which makes me smile.  But as I think about it, i feel like maybe I need to set better goals for myself.  I have seen a number of articles regarding accomplishments that should be made prior to turning 30, and I thought well – why the hell not?  I feel like I should set a number of logical tasks that I would like to cross off prior to my 30th birthday.  I’ve already started writing it out on paper and I think that once it is complete I will post and keep track of it here.  Some of these are repeats from my actual bucket list, but seeing as none of them have yet been crossed off, I don’t think that’s cheating.  Some of them are large milestones while others are simply personal goals I want to accomplish while I am young and healthy enough to fully enjoy them.  I will either list 30 things or 50 things, not sure yet. Then I will start out to become a more fulfilled version of me.

Now, I’m going to call up a friend from the payphone and see if they want to hit the drive in. 🙂

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